


Darkness

by cruisedirector



Series: Desert Island Fics [4]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Bajor, Bajorans, Blindness, Cardassians, Emissaries, F/M, POV First Person, Prophets, Religion, Scheming, Sexual Content, Spiritual, Unrequited Lust, Wraith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-03
Updated: 2002-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-03 14:08:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruisedirector/pseuds/cruisedirector
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In hiding with Winn, Dukat imagines explaining himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> I let Kai Winn tell me a little [Dukat story](http://archiveofourown.org/works/16857), and wouldn't you know it - he demanded equal time. I had help on this from DRush, Laura Taylor, Leslie Magowan, and the Deep Space Nine Encyclopedia and Lexicon.

Nerys, the streets are filled with talk of you tonight. I had never thought to hear you hailed as a hero of Cardassia! Rumors of your alliance with Damar have sparked strong feelings in your compatriots. Some say you have sold out to the enemy in helping my people fight the Dominion, but most believe you are saving the Alpha Quadrant, and your bravery is admired by all.

My spirit lifts to learn that you hold such a special place in the hearts of the Bajorans, as I do. How little your people understand me! I hear my name ridiculed - blamed for Cardassia's alliance with the Dominion. After all I have done for Bajor, still they despise Dukat! It is a dark hour, nearly as dark as the night Damar killed my beloved Ziyal. Ah, Nerys, you are the only other person who understands the devastation of that loss. Now that I understand why we were meant to suffer such pain, I have forgiven Damar. Still, while I am in disgrace with the Bajoran gods, it gives me strength to think of you working to save Cardassia. You remind me of our common past and destiny.

It is night in the capitol - it smells like night, and I hear fewer people passing on the street - though I can offer no proof from my own eyes, which have been scalded to blindness by Kosst Amojin. I don't mind being blind so much at night. The darkness makes me feel safe - people are always more cautious at night on this world where their eyes depend on light to fuction fully. Did you know that Cardassians have excellent low-light vision compared to Bajorans? It was an asset to us during the Occupation. It was also an asset to me in the bedrooms of Bajoran women, but I will not degrade you with such tales. How I hope we will find each other in the Restoration.

Kosst Amojin must forgive me my trespass. I know it as surely as I knew I had to go to the Kai, once I realized what was required to save Bajor. I may lack the pedantic training which would allow me to look upon the text of the holy book of the Pah-Wraiths, but without me it would remain rotting in its covers, and Kai Winn would continue her pathetic charade on behalf of the Prophets. I must remember to congratulate Damar on the background he provided me for this task. It took longer than I anticipated for anyone to realize I was not Anjohl Tanon, whose life story so touched Winn Adami. Damar will surely be honored by the Pah-Wraiths for assisting me, and you for assisting him in his hour of need. When the Fire-Caves release their hostages, I will beg them to save you from the cleansing fires. If the Pah-Wraiths find you worthy, we will be together soon.

Right now I must concentrate on returning to the Kai's good graces. I wonder how powerful it makes her feel to have thrown the mighty Gul Dukat to the mercy of the Bajoran people. I hope the experience compares favorably with polluting their spiritual leader. My own personal Occupation of Bajor! Oh, you will forgive my crudeness, Nerys, I know she was never a friend of yours. Try to appreciate the irony of the situation. I have fucked the Kai! How many of your people would consider that as close to the Prophets as a man can come? Short of being bent over an Orb by the Emissary, that is. Ha! No thank you, I much prefer Adami. Though if Captain Sisko were to deputize his second-in-command...

No, I will not speak of you that way, Nerys. I suppose it is my bruised ego that makes me resort to jokes. Here, with only a memory of her face to mock me, I can admit my arrogance. I underestimated your Kai - I didn't think she would she would have the self-confidence to throw me out. She had always seemed an unimaginative schemer who chose others to perform tasks she considered demeaning or dangerous. I would never have guessed that she would kill Solbor with her own hands to protect our secret! I should have realized Adami deserved more respect when she denounced the Prophets, instead of gloating over the ease with which she led me to her bed. I thought I was seducing her, but I was the one who gave in to temptation.

I know you find me licentious, Nerys, so you will probably not believe this, but before I met Adami, I had never considered the possibility that she would want me to make love to her. I suppose it was a prejudice based on her venerable stature - now I realize the absurdity of it. Of course a Kai who schemes with politicians and refuses to obey her Emissary wouldn't deny herself the joys of the flesh, no matter how religious her upbringing. She enjoys good food, fine wine, and multiple orgasms! When we were together I privately sneered at her indulgences, but why should she not enjoy the privileges of her power? Adami knows what she wants, even if she must sometimes be persuaded to admit it to herself.

Therein lies my mistake. I had thought I understood her. I have been aware of her for years - ever since her trivial attempts to bribe Cardassian soldiers during the Occupation. When she became part of Jaro Essa's failed movement to usurp the power of the provisional government, I could not fail to notice her machinations. She very nearly brought Cardassia back to power on Bajor! Then as Kai, Winn opposed most of your beloved Minister Shakaar's reclamation projects, making her a silent ally of mine as well. For my purposes, she made a far better provisional government leader.

But all that was before my conversion - before I was touched by the hand of a god. Once I discovered that only the Kai could remove the text of Kosst Amojin from the archive and determine what was necessary to free the Pah-Wraiths, I knew our destinies were linked in a far more significant way than mere politics. Damar's people were most thorough in compiling every piece of information available on Winn Adami. I have learned so many things - I know about her attempt to assassinate Bareil on your station, I know the secret of Opaka's that enabled Winn to become Kai. Yet somehow I did not know enough to convince her that in this endeavor, she needs me as much as I need her. She is a stronger woman than I had guessed.

I must know where I erred if I am to work my way back into her favor. I should have been more adoring after she learned my real identity - I should have told her that I admired her, and begged her to let me hold her again. How rare it is for me to bungle a strategic romance. I can hear you ridiculing me, Nerys, but getting under the Kai's robes was not my original scheme. Oh, I wanted her to be attracted to me so that it would please her to present me to her colleagues, but her desire was not something I could have planned. When I took her hands after telling her she had saved Anjohl Tanon's life - which is true, it was why Damar chose him - I expected to have to put on a show of humility for overstepping the place of a simple farmer. I was more surprised than she when she pulled away because her palms were sweating and her lips trembling.

You probably think I took advantage of her, but I only gave her what she wanted. Restlessness compelled me to go to her in the middle of the night - I would like to think it was an impulse to move her towards the path of the Pah-Wraiths, but the truth is that it was difficult for me to be on Terok Nor, so near to you, yet unable to risk letting you see me. I enjoyed making Solbor wake Her Eminence, and I enjoyed speaking to her in phony spiritual metaphors which she accepted without a second thought. Yet she was not interested in discussing the Restoration and her own rise to power. For her, the meaning of my farming story was personal! She told me her name - of course I had known it before, through Cardassian surveillance. Because she had offered something so personal, I stroked her hair. But I had no thought of going any further. She was the one who pulled my hand back to her face. Then I realized what she meant when she kept saying that the Prophets had sent me to her. She thought I was a gift of body as well as spirit.

And then I could not resist. To corrupt the Kai! Surely you understand the offer was too delicious. I admit at first I was not much attracted to her on her own merits, Winn has few of the physical attributes I find alluring: her cheekbones cannot compete with your mother's, nor does she have the strong shoulders of Naprem, and her self-indulgent brooding annoys me. Still, she has striking blue-gray eyes that remind me of Bajor's seas. And once we arrived in her bedroom, I realized that I had badly misjudged her sex appeal. The woman has initiative and flair, with no qualms about indulging herself! Nerys, she made love with me as I have often imagined that you...ahhh, surely you know.

I should have realized from my time leading the Cult of the Pah-Wraith that austerity does not come easily to Bajorans. No wonder the Occupation made you suffer so. The sect in which she was raised may be ascetic, but Adami must have gotten an education outside the order. After she denounced the Prophets, she couldn't wait to get out of her robes. Did you know that a few years ago, that despicable Ferengi on your station named a dessert after Winn in honor of the peace treaty with Cardassia - the one your Bareil negotiated before his death? Solbor brought it to me, a chocolate souffle topped by Haligian tongue sauce. I'm afraid it has become my habit to eat Kai Winn after dinner...

I must stop thinking about such distractions. I'm afraid I allowed myself to be diverted by pleasure, just as Damar did by drink. I was all to willing to let Adami occupy my attention. No wonder the Pah-Wraiths are angry - they should embody Bajor for me, not its women. Nerys, yours is the form they take when they speak to me, just as yours was the face I saw in my madness as the symbol of Bajor. Perhaps it is a temptation to test me, for I cannot resist you in any form. How foolish to allow myself to sin after all I have given up to walk their path. I will not see my birthplace again, I will hold none of my children again - except my precious Ziyal, when I pass out of corporeal existence into the realm of the gods. When the Pah-Wraith entered my body, it transformed me. I want only to burn with that light again. Nothing can compare with it - not the love of my children, not even ruling Bajor. Not even you, Nerys. Giving up my name, my face, my life are small sacrifices for the power that is to come.

This Bajoran skin fits me comfortably enough. Captain Sisko should try it - the Emissary believes he is of Bajor, but he has never seen this world through Bajoran eyes. Oh, the bitterness, that I have been denied the gift of sight! Would you not have thought that I had suffered enough for Bajor? Perhaps Adami was right: perhaps I did need a lesson in humility. It is odd that the Pah-Wraiths appeared to her before I arrived. I know they have been following my progress, but I had thought they wished me to lead them to restoration. Since the Prophets chose an outsider as their Emissary, it made sense that the Pah-Wraiths would do the same. I should be their Chosen One.

Yet Adami is not merely a figurehead to them. She is of Bajor. I must prove to them that I am as well...more so. I knew that her administration was corrupt, but the Emissary believed in her commitment to the Prophets, as did you. Who suspected that the Kai lived in a spiritual vacuum? I was rather moved by her confession of neglect by your gods. Hers is a mediocre little soul, with a code of morality but no religious passion as its basis. She reminds me a bit of Gul Darhe'el - not as ruthless, but able to rationalize any atrocity. I had feared she would never believe that the Pah-Wraiths were not evil, yet she does not seem to believe in evil. There are only things which serve her interests and things which do not. I suspect that even knowing who I am, she would rather spend time with me than with you or Sisko.

In turn, the time I spent among her Ranjins was most enlightening. I have studied the ancient Bajoran prophecies, but I lack their years of education. Adami has a quote for every occasion, and her own unique perspective on what they might mean for her own power. She is so sure that the Restoration of Bajor was meant to happen under her direction - I would love to have seen her face when you suggested she step down as Kai! An ex-terrorist, Sisko's ally, Bareil and Shakaar's lover, trying to tell Winn her place! It could have taken months to woo her from the path of the Prophets without such divine intervention. I thank you, Nerys; you made my task much easier. I wish you courage on your secret mission for Starfleet. Give my best to my old friend Damar. I am a bit envious of him, sharing this mission with you, but I knew when he asked me to lead our people again that my path lay elsewhere.

Now that I have banished myself, I find myself wondering how goes the war for Cardassia. Strange how I no longer think of it as home, though my interest in the Pah-Wraiths began as a means to subject Bajor, and to humiliate the Emissary of the Prophets. If those false gods can crush an entire Dominion fleet inside their Celestial Temple, imagine what the Pah-Wraiths could accomplish! It will change the balance of power through the galaxy. And then what will become of the puny Dominion and its allies? I hope Damar did not wait until too late to save the world of our birth from our conquerors. The destinies of Bajor and Cardassia are linked. I have been sure of it since the Emissary demonstrated how ancient Bajorans landed wooden ships on Cardassian soil. Our paths are united.

How I hate sitting here in darkness! A blind beggar can survive easily, but I have no access to the tools for my great task. Ah, Nerys, I see your face in the blackness - I do not know whether it is you, or a Prophet come to break my resolve to destroy them. I must make myself worthy to the Pah-Wraiths. If you could only understand...as you believe of the Prophets, their powers are real, and their love is great. My relationship with them is as special as the one I share with the Bajoran people. Yet I cannot find my direction. Should I seek out the murderous Cult of the Pah-Wraiths? Shall I take some action to regain Adami's attention? Must I wait for a sign from the gods? I will not be lost on a planet I am destined to rule!

I will meditate on Kosst Amojin, waiting and suffering during the centuries when the false Prophets held the Celestial Temple and refused to stop the suffering of Bajor. I will think of Damar turning the tables on the Dominion leaders who thought they could conquer Cardassia. I will send prayers for you, Nerys, my precious one, for I am as sure that you are a part of my destiny as I am of the future of Bajor, and its Prophets, and their Emissary, and the Kai. Nothing will divert me from my path, even if I cannot see it in this darkness.

 


End file.
